untitled.
Today I decided not to give you guys some fancy worded blog entry. I had somewhat of a terrible day and I thought I’d just write with complete transparency, sort of like a venting session. I think we are all due for a good venting session every now and again, so here goes-
Zoom meetings and emails all day. Trying to fulfill my purpose,living with high functioning anxiety, healing from childhood traumas,breaking generational curses, living in a new state with no family/friends, being single, living in a pandemic-today, it all seemed to come crashing down. I’ve been working from home as an educator since March and we still aren’t back on campus. I spend about 90% of my time confined to the walls of my apartment, and I think that’s enough to drive even the home-iest of homebody’s insane! Today just seemed like the day where it all wrecked my brain and I experienced anxiety like no other. I haven’t taken medication for anxiety in a while and for the most part, I would say that I’ve learned to cope really well with it-but not today! Today was different, unbearable almost. The thing about anxiety is that it causes you to worry about things that haven’t presented themselves as a problem yet, so now you’re all out of whack for no reason. Note that this is a trick of the enemy. God never planned for any of us to live a life of confusion, dysfunction, or anxiety. God’s plan for us all, was (and is) for us to live a full life, free of worry and full of faith. Matthew 6:34 says, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” So what are we to do when God seems to be out of the office and our world down here is falling apart? On these days-I’ve learned to cry out to Him a little louder, a little harder, and a little more than usual!
Now I could bore my readers with the details on just how terrible my day seemed, but in reality-that’d be pointless! I do want to be transparent and acknowledge that there are some really shitty days that we will all go through-it’s life. The choice to believe in God for all things doesn’t make us exempt from the trials that come with living life here on Earth. In fact, some will argue that being a believer in Christ makes you more prone to opposition. #GodIGetIt-Remember that every obstacle we face is ultimately to push us closer to the purpose we all share as believers-to be more like Christ. With every thought,every decision, every frustration, every spoken word,WWJD? We are here to strive to be more Christ-like. But I don’t want to dwell in the dark places, and I don’t want any of my readers to fall and lay in a sunken place! Rather, I’d like to open the discussion for practical steps on handling anxiety, fighting against frustrations that are sure to come, and remaining committed to growth spiritually and emotionally-and what that looks like. While the struggles we face may all be different, our God is the same. He’s faithful to His promises and He’s counsel through everything. I’m learning to be gentle, with myself and others, because nothing about this process is really easy. Trying to live right. Forgiving others. Being the bigger person. Healing. None of us have the instructions to life, so it’s best we allow God to lead us. See everything as a blessing and a lesson from God, and roll with the punches. I’m learning that it’s ok to not be ok. I don’t have to have things figured out always, because He does. We’re living in crazy times and everyone is fighting a battle (or battles) of their own. The goal is to keep fighting, even on your toughest days...because you’re never fighting alone. As a matter of fact, you aren’t even fighting your battle for you. A lot of the battles we fight are to give glory to God during someone’s similar season. So why would God overwhelm me with a battle, just to tell someone else about it? What will I tell them? What is my story, how did I overcome a trying season? The ONLY way to give an accurate testimony about the battle, is to make sure it is fought by the Righteous one. Being a believer means that fighting your battles isn’t necessary, He’ll fight for you and you will live to tell the story. We aren’t wired to handle our frustrations correctly, our will alone is never enough to overcome the grief and trials that come with life. Only God can, so we say, “Your will, Your way God. Less of me, more of You-in EVERY thing.” The question then becomes, will you allow Him to fight for you? Will you trust that He is able to do ALL things, but fail?
I promised to give practical steps on my journey and I think this entry would be a great place to start. In times of frustration and chaos-always remember to seek Him first! I go to God with every single frustration-from being stuck in traffic when I’m in a rush to feeling like I’ve been assigned an unfair duty in the workplace-I seek understanding in it all! God doesn’t mind us venting to Him, He’s glad when we do! I talk to God just like I do my mom, or my sister, or one of my girl friends. We have that relationship! And if you seek, you will find. Something as small as being stuck in traffic, could be God’s protection from a danger unseen. Being assigned a seemingly unfair duty in the workplace, could be a test of your readiness for promotion. Let every obstacle you face push you closer and deeper into relationship with Him. Be reminded that growth is uncomfortable. Submerge yourself in the Word-your Bible and your worship are both weapons that will help you fight off evil energy! Worship has seen me through some of the TOUGHEST battles, and if I was to make a list, it’d be quite clear that sunshine came after every storm I’ve ever faced. None of the success I’m currently enjoying has come easy, and God wants even greater for my life. And while I don’t look forward to days like today, I face them knowing my strength is in someone greater.
What seemed like one of the worst days I’ve had in a really long time, turned out to be a day of self-reflection and healing for some wounds that I had never acknowledged out loud. I was able to communicate my frustrations in a super healthy way, which is a huge part of my healing and something I need to learn to do more often. I was able to confront some defense mechanisms that I use to cope. I guess what I’m saying is, it’s all intentional, all of it. Even on our toughest days, we have to remember that He’s intentional in His ways, and even moreso in how He is able to reveal things to us. This is only possible through a conscious commitment to grow spiritually. Through constant communication with Him through prayer. Shift your focus from the things that seem to overwhelm you the most-what could this be teaching me? What does God want me to learn from this? I hope that if this blog finds you during a time of despair, a time when things are falling apart in your life, you will be reminded that you are not alone in the fight. As cliche’ as it may sound, be reminded that every single day that you are allowed to open your eyes, there is purpose inside of you. We don’t get to decide what each day will bring, but we do get to decide how we will handle what comes. In my experience, some days throwing in the towel seems like more of a victory than actually fighting the battle. But in everyday-God is able to do abundantly more than we can think or imagine. I hope that everyone is practicing healthy ways to cope with all that is going on around us, and I hope even more, that all of you will find refuge in Christ.
Check out my newest entry to the ‘Worship Room.’ It’s a song I use to reset and regain focus when anxiety overtakes me! Let me know what you think in the comments.
-kNicole
