A Faith Move

Worship/Spiritual Growth: I’ve been in a place of praise and worship for the last few days and it’s forced me to look at how much I’ve grown as a believer. I long to get in His presence and dwell there everyday now! When I’m there I look back on where He’s brought me from both physically and spiritually and my heart is so full. I feel like my worship experience has matured just as I have and I can see the growth so clearly. Personally, I don’t think there is anything better than growth that you can measure (teacher talk), so the fact that I can see this growth so clear made me want to put it into words.

When I was a child, I thought like a child, I moved like a child, and I think it is safe to say I worshiped God like a child. A small town, Southern baptist church girl, I grew up in the church. I knew God. I was active in choir. I proposed and founded my church’s mime ministry. I MC’d programs. I made the announcements every Sunday. I was a leader in my church and my community without a doubt, but how authentic was my relationship with God? I think that as a child, your spiritual beliefs are somewhat instilled in you based on your parents, grandparents, and other influential people. But do we really strive for that personal relationship with God? I can’t say that looking back I ever recall feeling as close to Him as I do now, but I definitely knew that He was someone to know. I knew that my grandmother(s) loved Him and so should I. From southern baptist, to non-denominational small church in a college town, I saw my spiritual life change drastically when I went to college in 2012. There were no Sunday morning “wake up” calls ringing through the halls to wake me up for church. The smell of pancakes and bacon and the sound of Kirk Franklin weren’t greeting me as I opened my eyes on a Sunday morning. The responsibility to WANT to worship God on Sunday was now completely on me. Being a college student, enjoying a new found freedom, I quickly fell out of the routine of going to church. It just became easier not to go. I would watch sermons online occasionally, but I definitely didn’t have the same desire to go and I certainly wasn’t active in church. It wasn’t until college brought it’s turmoil that I realized how important it was to maintain a relationship with Him. I started attending a small, nondenominational church and trying to get back in relation with God. I still never stepped up to leadership roles or even joined the church I attended in college, using the excuse “it’s just not my home church.” I attended frequently, tithed, attended revivals, etc., but I never committed fully to the church. This pattern continued pretty much throughout my college years. Fast forward to 2015-2019, I was diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder and soon learned that it was God or nobody. This is where I can honestly say I saw myself NEEDING God. Not my grandmother’s prayers anymore, but my own. Anxiety crippled me so bad that I was literally crying out to God to heal my body. These years were pivotal in me learning to pray, fast, worship, and just build strong relationship with God, again. Towards the end of 2019, I prayed for God to do something in my life that would change my relationship with Him forever! After years of being inconsistent with my spiritual journey, I prayed to God to help me make a change that would require so much faith from me, it would scare me. I wanted Him to shake my life up, totally! I wanted to get to a place where I depended on Him solely; I needed to experience something that would allow me to rely on my own prayers and belief in Him. I was tired of the same old cycles in life. In September 2019, I started fasting and praying intentionally on a move that would require nothing but faith. I didn’t worry about my finances. I didn’t tell friends or family. I stayed in prayer and fellowship with God. I asked Him to speak to me loud and clear-and He did! One Sunday, I attended the nondenominational church I had been frequently attending and asked God to move me, literally. Within days, I was approached by a stranger with a proposition to move to Houston,TX. Talk about mind blowing! I instantly broke down in tears, because for the first time I could hear God speaking to me. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that it was Him, because I literally hadn’t consulted with anyone else about this move. God was setting me up for what I was praying for. All of this happened within DAYS! Before you know it, I was packing up my apartment and claiming a new job in a new state.

Things started falling apart, I lost friends, rumors started to circulate about me quitting my job, etc., but I kept the faith! Right before it was time to move, God put me to the ultimate test! He literally asked me, “will you trust Me or them?” Now pay attention! Previously I mentioned my grandmother’s prayers and belief in God being something that got me where I am today, but what would happen when I felt she was praying against me instead of with me? Now, I would never think that my grandmother was praying for my demise, ever; however, I did feel that me moving 8 hours away was hard for her to accept and she had several reservations. Her reservations were evident in the questions she had about my move, the second-guessing, etc. This would be an entry for another day, but I’ll briefly set the scene. Imagine the ONE person on earth whose opinion means more to you than your own. Imagine the one person who you love on earth like you do God in Heaven. Now imagine that person not agreeing with you on something you had been praying on? This is where God said, it’s me or ‘them.’ My grandmother’s opinion was and will always be very sacred to me, so I can never see myself going against her. I trust her discernment. She has never led me wrong. But. I had to trust God. Remember I prayed for a faith move. I prayed to have my faith shaken up. I wanted to prove to Him and myself that I trusted Him wholeheartedly. Feeling like I lacked her support, just meant that even when I moved, I would have to trust Him,even more. So I did. I decided that I had to stand on what I had been praying for. Here’s where my worship got real personal. I was going to be 8 hours away from home. No friends. No family. In a new state, nothing like home. Just me. And God. This was personal! I wasn’t just depending on grandmother’s prayers, but I was learning to pray for myself. I needed to not only say I had, but actually HAVE faith for things unseen. For the first time, in a long time. I started regularly (consistently) attending an online mega-church. I tithed consistently at this church. And I felt like I belonged back in a church home! I looked forward to church on Sunday again!

If I had to summarize where I am now, I would just say-consumed. Consumed with God’s goodness. His grace. His mercy. His favor. His presence. I just love Him so much. My ‘faith move’ has restored me. I am definitely consistent with my praise and worship these days. I feel incomplete if I don’t spend time with God daily. My worship is so much more personal now. I praise and worship God because I want to. Because I have too many reasons to. Not because someone woke me up for church and it’s the routine thing to do. I worship Him because of the things in my life that I can see He brought me from. I think that it is safe to say that spiritual growth and maturity are real and I have experienced and continue to experience them. I thank God for where I am, and where I’ve been, but never want to return to!

-kNicole